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Exposing my toxicity through shadow work.

Updated: Feb 21, 2021

If you are looking for a cute intro…sorry, don’t have one LOL!!! I can’t come up with a cute intro because honestly, I am writing freely off the top of my head and I am not sure how my emotions will play out.

This week I decided to spend time doing shadow work, so I took the advice of a youtuber and let’s just say I want to quit on day two.

First to make sure you follow me lets understand what shadow work is. Shadow work is the process of exploring your inner darkness, uncovering parts of you that have been repressed and rejected. Another way to explain shadow work is taking time to heal the parts of you that continue to show up negatively in your life (don’t worry I know you are like hell no keep that mess where it is LOL!!!), and after today I damn near agree with you but if you can’t deal with you; who can?

To sum it up today I learned:

· I am a hater

· I hate being embarrassed

· I am extremely emotional, and it shows daily through negative and positive actions (this is the hardest)

Let’s start with me being a hater. Now I know some people are like there is no way I would ever admit that some don’t believe me, and some are like I knew it (you knew it because I was showing you a part of yourself you don’t want to acknowledge) but anyways yes, I am a hater, and the first step is acknowledgement. I originally justified it with the idea that I was only unhappy for those who don’t’ deserve it but that’s a lie. I have come to the realization that I am genuinely unhappy with those I feel are better off than me and I would say I just got this way but nope I am sure it has been here. I look at myself I see the drive, I see how willing I am to be and do for others, I notice my heart is bigger and better than many, but I feel like I am always at the bottom looking up, waiting for my chance, running into walls and not accomplishing what I feel I should. It’s not that I don’t want to see others with good fortune it’s the issue of feeling like my good fortune is lost and can’t locate my address. I am releasing this negative mindset and opening up to the happiness of others so my blessings don’t keep passing me by.

Issue number two- I hate being embarrassed. I hate feeling like I am embarrassed or wrong (perfectionist much) and when I am it’s an instant lash out. Forget acknowledging my wrong or how I can learn from this I work off the mentality that if you embarrass me, I embarrass you. This trait is toxic, and it took 2020 for it to manifest itself in my daily life. Being at the grocery store and not being able to pay for all my groceries so my attitude changed with the cashier I became mean, attitude was short, and in reality, it had nothing to do with her. I was embarrassed because I was struggling, embarrassed because I allowed myself to be that low, and clearly mismanaged money for that shopping trip. What is worse is as I look back my reaction only gave me anxiety and added a layer of self-hate because now, I am embarrassed by my actions and my struggle. Embarrassment was having my phone cut off because I couldn’t afford the bill and instead of being honest to people I lied and said I needed a break, so I cut my phone now on top of being embarrassed I look at myself and say now you’re a liar too homegirl. The good thing is I realize my fear of embarrassment comes from certain experiences growing up for instance my shirt being pulled up in middle school, parent coming to the school with a belt as the class sat and watched, and so many more I refuse to dwell on but who knew embarrassment was a trauma and just like you have healed from other trauma you must heal from the PTSD caused by embarrassment; trust when I say its showing itself somewhere you just haven’t taken time to acknowledge it.

Last but not least I am emotional. Emotions are good and needed but only when they are controlled and expressed correctly. Yelling at the customer service reps on the phone, honking and going off on other cars, temper tantrums, disassociation are a few of my negative emotions I express daily and wrong. I should be able to not cuss the car out from top to bottom because we missed a light or tell a customer service agent how useless the company is because I am not getting my way or because of a matter that is beyond their control. Truth is I am harboring emotions I refuse to let go of for fear of being too emotional, so I keep them bottled in and as I hold them in they begin to show themselves in areas that don’t make sense so I am no longer emotional I am mean and uneasy to deal with.

I know this was long and I apologize but I hope this helps someone. Sometimes we are our own issue and although we may feel ok on the outside the issue isn’t the surface layer it’s that deeper level we refuse to acknowledge and heal. I may not like what I acknowledged today but now I’ve opened myself for deeper healing and the ability to consciously go against my normal actions and reactions.

Talk to you soon – Delashawn

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