So, really this is just me venting. I don’t have anyone to talk too so I decided instead of telling folks individually I figured I would just embarrass myself and show my flaws to the world. Wait did I just say I would embarrass myself to the world? Let’s acknowledge that part... At this point fear of embarrassment has taken over my life; I stopped allowing things to happen to bypass the feeing. The problem with this is embarrassment rest in the ego so I’m operating out of ego at the same time I’ve been in this position so much I’m not willing to kill my ego and allow anyone else to hurt me (I have to be honest with myself).
What did that look like for me? I stopped dating based this logic if I don’t date I can’t get embarrassed when a man puts me in a situation to be an option and not be chosen in that option (why is this the new society standard? What happen to happiness and commitment?) I stopped sharing parts of myself, can’t be embarrassed by my choices if no one knows the choices I’ve made. Then I isolated myself; to be in true peace for me is to be away from everybody. Do y’all see the problem in this? I do, but I’m stuck for now so let me be not to mention I admitted I’m operating off of ego and very low vibration right now. I just want to be transparent and let y’all see my life is never peaches and cream it’s hell and depression.
This leads to my next point. I feel the need/desire to be perfect and when one thing falls apart my life crumbles and that’s when I fee embarrassed the most. Let me break it down and tell you my week so you can understand. Monday & Tuesday I was fine I came off high vibrational and happy. Wednesday kids Were shooting outside my window and it’s not like the bullets were coming at me however, going to the car the next morning and seeing blood gave me the perspective of how close it was...so I freaked out...crazy part is while trying not to operate in fear I mustered the courage to call someone for help (this is what sent me back to isolation to prevent embarrassment and rejection). Friday I got my first eviction letter since I was 20 and living in survival mode. It bothered me like hell for one because I lost my job in a pandemic and the government was supposed to fix that however, my paperwork was on a desk so it didn’t go forward (issue fixed). I felt like a complete failure as a mother; I never should be without a home and yes I understand we are in a pandemic and I left my job to prevent being let go, but it’s time I be honest. I lost my job because of my actions and my actions alone so again I can’t put that burden on my child I was supposed to push forward and make a way but I failed.
To finish the week off my child is in ICU as we speak. To have everything else happen then my baby be admitted with diabetic ketoacidosis put the icing on the cake. Now I not only feel like a failure but I see the actions of my choices. I was a career/school mom I didn’t care about cooking especially coming home and not getting settled until 6-7pm, trying to make sure homework is done, and we are in bed by a certain time so there was no cooking there was McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and whatever else is just on the way home. Now as a mom I’ve failed and my child will spend the rest of her life fighting diabetes.
I would love to say this is just a rough week....Nope, this has been the last 8 months June 20, 2020 to be exact, and as I struggle to pull my way out of this defeated mindset I find myself being buried deeper, In isolation, and to be honest I find myself questioning God like wait is this what I deserve? Is this karma from existing like what is it? One thing for sure and two things for certain I don’t intentionally hurt anyone so to feel intentionally hurt by God is a different level of hurt, pain, and confusion nonetheless it doesn’t change the outcome so my goal is as follows for the rest of my life I will just accept the punches shit is the way it is and I’m consistently losing the battle, but at least it’s consistent.
Don’t fear embarrassment, fear living a constrained and false life. If you are rejected for being true to yourself, then you are simply being divinely guided to move on to another level of community . -Brendon Burchard